Official Transcript of the Bush/Merkel meeting yesterday in Germany:
Merkel: Welcome to Brandenburg, Mr. President.
Bush: Gawd, I love it when you call me that ... I'm gonna miss everyone callin' me that. In fact, I'm thinkin' about changin' the laws so that I can have a few more terms!
Merkel: (laughs) Well, that's what Helmut Kohl used to do ...
Bush: (interrupts) Is that the big fat guy who used to visit my daddy sometimes at the White House?
Bush: Man, that guy could put away some chicken wings!
Merkel: Mr. President, (serious tone) what do you think about the Chinese situation?
Bush: I hate it when they make the sweet and sour too sour. I mean, a little spicey is fine, but sometimes I wanna just slap those fuckin' midgets and say, "Wake up!"
M: Hmmm. I see ... and I agree. What are your current thoughts on Iran?
B: There was this little Iranian girl on the rowing team at Yale, and I'm tellin' you - she was HOT!
M: Right. But respectfully, (somber) I wish to know if you plan to bomb them ...
B: I'm plannin' to get bombed right after this, oh yes! They got them great little cocktails in my limosine!
M: You know, some people were not very happy to hear of your arrival here, that's why we planned it in secret. What would you say to your detractors?
B: Well, all these farmers gotta get with the 21st century, ya know! And I would tell 'em to always put lots of oil in the engine ...
M: Um, sir, I said detractors, not tractors ...
B: What the hell is the difference?
M: You know, um, the people who oppose your policies. Not me, of course.
B: Shucks, I dunno ... folks have all been mighty nice to me 'round here.
M: OK, let's get down to business.
B: (claps his hands) That's my girl!
M: The reason we're here is so that you can use german air bases for your bombing sorties -
B: That's some kind of ice cream, right?
M: No, sir, that's a technical term.
B: (agitated) Well, if we're gonna discuss military strategy together, just use plain english! (spits tobacco) By the way, who's this strange guy follwing us around?
M: He's our translator, Mr. President.
B: Well, tell him to learn some goddamn english!
M: (Whispers something to translator, who scurries away) This is Brandenburg, which used to be part of East Germany ...
B: Is that where all them commies were?
M: Yes, sir. I was born in the East, too. But I've changed!
B: My daddy didn't really like them guys. But he said that one guy with the big black splotch on his head was awright.
B: No thanks, maybe later.
M: So after Iraq and Iran, who's next?
B: Well, (sighs) that's gonna be up to John McCain. But according to the Axis Of Evil (pulls chart from his pocket) it's either North Korea or Venezuela.
M: That guy Chavez is kind of a thorn in your side.
M: You met him - he's strong and opinionated.
B: Whatever. I just cain't figure out how the Good Lord could give all that oil (wipes a tear) to a god-damned SOCIALIST! He moves in mysterious ways ...
M: But the people seem to like Chavez.
B: My daddy says it's best to not let the people decide ANYTHING 'cuz they don't know what the fuck they're talking about.
M: I agree. What do you think about Berlusconi back in power in Italy?
B: Ya gotta hand it to him, the boy does it right. Very inspiring, and smart, too. They say he even invented the radio ...
M: Hmmm. What do you think about the fall of the dollar?
B: That doesn't really matter if you have lots and lots of them.
M: I see your point.
B: Hey, do you wanna play some golf, or something? All this chat is boring.
M: We could, Mr. President, but don't you think we need to discuss a few more important issues?
B: Yeah, yeah, I know: global worming, the envy-roment, Liberia and neighboring Siberia, it's always the same. Tell ya, that whole Africa thing is a big pain in the ass!
M: I agree 100 per cent, Mr. President. Why don't we just discuss it at your ranch next time over a bar-b-que ...
B: Swell! I just hope that doggone Willie Nelson don't show up again singin' them protest songs. Crazy as a loon, that one! I don't know how they let him into Texas anyway!?
M: I'm glad to see that you're carrying on in the Reagan/Bush tradition.
B: He was a great actor.
M: And a great communicator. Just like Goebbels.
Bush: Oh, I heard he was very smart. Did you ever meet him?
Merkel: (doesn't answer, mumbles)
Bush: Well, (tips his cowboy hat) it sure was nice talkin' to ya, Miss Murgle.
Bush: Whatever. Maybe we can do it again sometime in private, without all these fancy advisors and stuff.
Merkel: I'd like that.
Bush: Damn right, ya would. Hey, is there a Starbucks around here?