One time I was driving through Europe, on my way to Switzerland (as I'm prone to do) looking for gigs. That's how I do it: I drive alone, and then a few months later I fly the band over to play. (Sometimes it works ...)
So there I was, somewhere in Austria, completely lost, and I was looking for the border to Switzerland. But I stumbled across the wrong border, friendly Liechtenstein! (Yeah, right.) They have enough warlord safe houses and seedy mafia bank accounts in Liechtenstein to make your granny cry. Switzerland is in comparison, jealous. (Understandably.) But I thought, "Oh, well - I'll just pass through for 20 min. or so and reach Switzerland on the other side." (Mistake Number 1.)
I rolled down my window as the border-crossing Meany came over to me. "Hi, Sheriff!" I said happily. (Mistake Number 2.!) He asked me to step out of the car. Shit. No humour, these guys. Now, the problem MAY have been that I was driving a Czech-made Skoda ... I'll never know. Cough, cough, sputter-sputter. She was a beautiful octagon shape, Top Model made somewhere around 1992. Jet black like my rock 'n' roll heart, she looked liked the Moscow Special. He simply didn't like it. Or me. Ugh. I said in my most charming english, "Gee, I don't mean to cause you any trouble ..." but he interrupted , "Wir reden hier Deutsch!" (German is spoken here!) Oh, great, a nazi to boot ... heh heh ... TO BOOT!
Editor's Note: the word "nazi" comes from 'Nationalist/ism' - just ask anyone who speaks Latin. I dunno if this guy was racist or hated people of another colour than himself, but he sure was proud of his damn Liechtenstein!
"What do you want to do in Switzerland?" he asked in garbled english, after we broke through the language barrier. "I'm a musician." He grimaced. (Strike 3!) But then I said, "It doesn't matter anyway, because this isn't Switzerland!" He seemed to agree. And for your information, I said, the motor in this beauty is a VW, Made In Germany! Whew - rough crowd for raw comedy. He didn't like that one AT ALL. He told me to turn my Lemon around and get outta town. "Yes sir, Sheriff!" He looked like he was going to scream, or shoot me ...
So I turned around and went back to (being lost in) Austria. But I never lost my humour. Black though it may be. "Go back to the EU!" he screamed. What the ... when will these guys learn? (Tip: to feel protected, always put Assholes and nationalists on your borders. They will screen out the hippies and punk rockers and occasionally the terrorists, too.)
So I cannot recommend going to Liechtenstein. Unless your the head of the German Postal Service, who just got fired for having over one million illegal, tax-free euros in a private account there. (Somehow inspired me to write this.) Good one, asshole! I believe his name is Sir Fat Cat. He's probably close, personal friends with Doktor Meany on the border ... Hey, fuck you guys!
Keep rockin' and rollin'. Peace, -Todd
posted by calico 3:33 AM
Editor's note: For those of you who haven't heard the forbidden (and sometimes desperate) tape, now infamous and somewhat legendary, of Todd and friends crank-calling, well, EVERYONE in the middle of the night, order now! You must know that (1) it is mostly the schnapps talking and (2) you are in the minority! Singing to your friends about Swiss rock gigs with fog machines and lights can be fun ...
Printed elsewhere: "Earth to Abraham Cloud (LA) and Oli von Schwerin (East LA). May we cross all borders in the name of Music! I suggest we get a bottle o' Czech Becherovka and meet on some continent (tba) for the late-night "Fog Machines And Lights And Everything" REUNION/REVIVAL! We'll taunt Paula in San Francisco with faux love promises. We'll tell her to pick us up at the Greyhound station, even though we're in Amsterdam!
And then, mischieviously and un-announced, the Sudden Death occurs when we hang up the phone!
We are the Night-Owls of death metal, Acoustic Love Division. We are the Zone within the time-zone. We are the Heroes of Trans-national Squeal. (great band name) Who's with me?" -Todd
Feeling mean ... crunch.
What should I say?
We all gotta go someday ...
(A very short poem, or a sketch for new lyrics.)
Black Widow Mix. -Todd
Stuff I did today:
Finished reading "A Son Of The Circus," called a club I've played before, kissed beautiful lips (in the Soul Kitchen), sent a message to a famous producer (he didn't respond), had coffee and laughed, decided "Cottbus 2000" is the best poem I ever wrote, put on a white t-shirt with England written on it (given to me by a guy from Africa), briefly pondered going to Switzerland, sent my new acoustic-punk song "Land Of Contradictions" to a friend ...
What will I do tonight? Peace, -Todd