July 31, 2007
For An English Rock Star

(Actual email written to an actual English rock star, who has sold millions of CD's, actually ...)

Hi ya. Todd here. Hello and quick explanation of yesterday's hilarious phone call!

I found myself at a football game (Leeds vs. Cottbus) where Leeds lost (because they apparently always do). There was much drinking and yearning, complaining and celebrating going on. And 2 girls that I met backstage at your show (See fine print: they're fans!) said it was your birthday, and we should call you. I said, "Yeah, sure." Not thinking they actually had your number! I didn't take them seriously, but thought them seriously cute. But when they started singing in cooing tones, hee hee, I giggled too and realized that you were actually on zee phone!

Oh, shit - what do I say in such a moment? Talk about living in the moment! I went from disbeliever to steady rock diplomat in about 22 seconds. I believe my exact words were, "Glug-glug-garble-garble-oh-yeah-great-seeyou-wahoo!"

Anyway, I got a kick out of that, and I hope you did, too. My garbled half-drunken hello was a joyfull testament to Life and how it constantly amazes me ... Warm wishes! Luv, -Todd

Posted by calico at 09:38 AM
July 28, 2007
For A Fat English Geezer

Dear Shithead,

When I met you on the train, I should have know that you were trouble. Let me say that I am vehemently opposed to YOUR war in Iraq, and the Vietnam war (and many other innumerable wars) but I am NOT a pacifist!

(Read the fine print: You are lucky I didn't kick your ass.)

You are a classic English Dumbfuck. First a tip, gramps: learn to handle your liquor! Yes, yes, I know you're not the only one with this problem. Especially among your british brethren, famous for their twisted drunken wisdom and subsequent idiotic behaviour. Tip #2: Never call a peace-loving american "Yank" or "Colonial." This gives away your secret as alcoholic gremlin, wayward loser looking to get your face pummeled. If you hadn't have jostled me while I was sleeping, I would have let it go, your insane ramblings. I believe your exact words were, "Bla-bla-burp-gurgle-gurgle ..." By the way, why were you travelling ALONE? I think we know the answer. You are a drunken-thieving-antisocial-ASSHOLE! HOW DARE YOU try to steal my Czech Becherovka? (between my legs) And now the funny part, 'cuz I yelled:

He understood, ala british english, "Don't touch me/my asshole!" and answered, "I didn't touch ye asshole!" Communication is everything.

No, he only touched my balls and the (monstrous) delicious bottle of spirits between them. (Try to say that 10 times fast!) Then 5 minutes later he kept on coming back, bugging and nudging me. "Wake up, dead Yank!" he yanking on me shoulder, and slobbering all over the train. Yet another reason that I'm not a fan of football/soccer, a game that he's just returned from. And the other english on said train? Well, they were very polite. Murmuring, "Todd's gonna kick your boy's ass ..." And, "This could get ooglie." Guess the only reason I didn't go off on him is because I suppose pain is exactly what he WANTED! Poor drunken bastard. And I wasn't gonna give him the satisfaction of me giving him what he wanted, just so he could actually FEEL something. You sorry, blabbering, slobbering, wasted son-offa-bitch!

So I got up, gave him my best Clint Eastwood stare, and went to another part of the train. I've never lost a fist-fight. And sometimes winning the fight means simply walking away ...

Peace, -Todd
(You sorry-ass bitch, next time your ass is mine!)

Posted by calico at 08:57 AM
July 24, 2007

Or: "Was it good for you, too?"

Hey, hey, we're promoting "democracy" 'round the world - isn't it a wonderful thing? Oh, yes ...

Democracy is a system, hallowed be thy name, in which elected officials send the nation's young and dumb into battle on phoney evidence. Democracy is a place where there is active debate over whether to torture people. They are, after all, SUSPECTED enemies. It's the name we give to a government who bombs other countries before asking, then invades them. Hallelujah! And then take credit and implement the hanging of leaders of said countries.

But that's ok, that's ok ...
We all know there is no other way ...
(Hey, that's good.)

And now for all the nice people in middle-eastern countries who may be next on the list: Convert to democracy, please, before we bomb you into agreeing with us. We are sure you see the Logic. And because we enjoy freedom of speech (a wonderful thing), we can discuss everything afterward.

And now I'm sitting here wondering if democracy is, indeed, really the best way. WHAT DO YOU THINK?? Peace, -Todd

Posted by calico at 09:25 AM
July 19, 2007
New Lyrics Of The Roll On Melody

Look at those livin' in a world of tenderness
Look at the rest livin' under duress
Pay any sum to stop the duldrum stress
Visionary hum just don't seem to pay the rent, I guess

And I say roll on, roll on
Carry on ...

Molecules collide when the summer love is spent
She's on your side like a wounded nurse or dissident
When it comes right down you see, ain't no gettin' up
I've been downtown where it's 50 bucks for a curse

Don't let 'em stop you now ...
Said the Melody is your friend somehow

So I say roll on, roll on
Carry on ...

Peace. -Todd

Posted by calico at 11:31 AM
July 10, 2007
Surfin' USA ... Hitchin' UK

My friend Phil (aka the Big Englishman) has finally popped his hitch-hiking cherry!

The other day we strutted off together on the Underground, which took us to the outskirts, where we then walked about a mile to get to the place that would eventually get us to where we were going. We had a sign with our destination, and the kid picked us up in exactly 5 min.

Two hours later we were at a rock concert ...
Trust your instincts and trust your fellow humans.
Peace, -Todd

Posted by calico at 09:40 AM
July 02, 2007
Father Figured

My dad used to always say, "There's no such thing as a free lunch ..."
I answered, "No no ... yes, no free lunch - there is only such a thing as FREE BEER." Peace, -Todd

Posted by calico at 07:55 AM