September 30, 2003
Hey Nakedman!

Hey, Nakedman - how goes it - did you know that Canada sucks kannuck!? Juss kidding! Heh. Hey, Nakedman: I remember when we were driving in that taxi in Prague, or was it Ostrava? and you told me about that guy who had a radio in his penis. Hey, Nakedman: Remember how we ended up in that hotel room with those three girls at 7 am, who strummed our (?) guitars, and sang together that song so beautifully, known only to hungarians and lullaby gypsies!? Oh, how sweet that was! They sang little songs just for us, remember? as we sipped becherovka like rock stars. Remember how you danced with that cute blonde (in MY t-shirt!) as you wrapped your tongue around her, and the club played Monkey Business, and we were all tha starz! Good times, good times ...

Hey, Nakedman: DID YOU GET THE "LIVE IN SWITZERLAND" CD I sent you??

Talking about the one where the crowd went wild, and Norwood got high, with his hand on some nice french gal's ass! (Sorry, mom.) It's, er, all about the Music! Yes, yes. And Johnson played a mean guitar ... yes, yes - that's the one! Did you get it, punk? You were on stage! You were there, Voodoo Priest, yes, yes, tha vibe is defintely on that CD. Sounds ungodly good. You hoocha-coochah momma, you! You raider of young girls' dreams! You Jimmy waxed piece of fine artistic equilibrium! Yes, Nakedman, you! DID YOU GET THE CD?? I wonder if it will turn into one of those infamous bootlegs (it already has!) and if people will dig your vibe off to tha side. You were defintely RIGHT THERE, as I sang my little heart out ... the World Premier of "Down On Tucker Farm!" Yes, I wonder if sexy girls in France (and boys, hmm, hmm ...) will listen to said bootleg, and wonder aloud,
"What's the Nakedman doing right now?"

Just the other day, someone was looking at the Calico flyer, and asked me, "So your band is called NAKEDMAN?" Har! I swear it's true - Unglaublich! Doof!

Hey, Nakedman: Remember how we'd always whistle like Clint Eastwood in Berlin (hey, that's a cool new song title!) from "The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly," and then one day someone whistled it back! Oh, those quiet Hinterhof moments. Remember how we jammed with Hong Kong Bob into the wee hours, something like' "Hey, Li'l Belgian Schoolgirl ..." An instant jazz classic!

Hey, Nakedman: Do you realize that just that first night alone, in Bern, I spent 60 dollars on wine! In Vino Veritas! Man, we had a whammy of a time!

Hey, Nakedman: Remember us sitting in Zurich, drinking coffee! (Not talking about the night the guy told us about shooting a cow with a bazooka, alledged.)

Hey, Nakedman: Put your incredible Voodoo powers to work, on this New Model Army tour for December ... then we can do it all again! The spirits are with us! (Talking about schnapps, of course ...)

Hey, Nakedman: Do you realize that you bear a striking resemblance to Tony Two-Chains! (Let's get to the REAL point, ok.) Would you like to meet him? It can be arranged ... He's internationally inclined. He speaks Canadian, but is originally from Jersey. I think you guys could trade tales, and save the world.

-Todd 007

Posted by calico at 11:42 PM
WHO IS Tony Two-Chains??

Yeah, I know that yer allwantin' to know ... WHO IS Tony Two-Chains?? Is he a man?? Angel?? Devil?? How did he GET those two chains, anyway ... ?? We always use exactly TWO question marks, every time we use his name, don't we?? These, and many other questions will have to be answered ...

Tony Two Chains is just a lad who, on one particular night not like any other, happened to find himself in tha middle of a pool game. Billiards, if you will ... well, now ... won't you?? Anyway - Tony and this outrageous Irish guy (who shall remain nameless) were both sportin' chains, and decided to havfe a little contest ... The winner would take the other man's Chain. (Editor: In many countries arouhnd tha world, a Chain is a sign of manli-hood, and considerable wealth. Always works with the ladies.) Tony won, hands down. He now had two Chains. The other none. Broken and dejected, the Irish lad sugggested that we all head out and get pissed. Well, we all obliged, and "Tony Two-Chains" was borne. He kept yelling (to the entire pub's delight) "Hey - I'm TONY TWO-CHAINS!" And he was right - and it stuck ...

I just spoke to Tony on tha phone, and he said that sometimes you wanna stay in, but end up going out anyway ... then the MAGIC comes in and sweeps you away ... And he's AVAILABLE, too, ladies!!!!

-Todd

Posted by calico at 10:34 AM
September 29, 2003
Me 'n' Tony Two-Chains ...

I've been hanging out with incredible guy named Dan, who, on one particular night at the bar, took on an amazing double-identity, "Tony Two-Chains." He seems like he's from Jersey. Or Vegas ... Is his name really Tony? No. Is he really from Jersey?? No. Actually he's from Wales. Coolest thing that ever started with a W. Tony Two-Chains is the wildest, most pimpin'-est, coolest daddy-o that ever set foot on a California dance floor. And yes, he's wearing two chains. More on this later!

-Todd

Posted by calico at 08:50 AM
September 27, 2003
For The Surfing Queen

"It's a Beautiful Day ..."

Remember how we said good-bye today? Remember how I remembered you not to toil in long good-byes?? Yeah, we live in the moment, strive and dive and live and come out smellin' like a rose ... we dive into LIFE! And I LOVE watching you surf. When the dolphins join us (amazing!) and swim in the wave, in their peaceful way, just saying "hi," it's as if ghosts were watching us all, from tepid corners of the Spirit world ... Yes, dolphins swimming parallel in our waves ... Bliss! How these mortals make eroneous decisions (around the real things!) that drive us forward, into oblivion, away from the magic of dreams, away from all that inspires!

It was such a SURREAL day ...

I dug hanging on the beach at midnight, in YOUR spot, sucking ciggies and watching the waves roll by ... Remember how we listened to Elvis! He be tha King. And I sang and danced, my legs casting shadows across the rocks, while I watched you get high. (Beauty!) And the smoke swirled around our heads, and then there was that boat in the harbour, "Only Love." And I KNOW what friendship is!!!!!!! Yes, Friendship is King! And now some AMAZING synchronicity, how I emailed a friend, saying that I'm Todd Rambo, (true - but somethin' I never dew) and ten minutes later you said that your DOG is named "Rambo." Well, I guess I AM psychic! And I live in the moment, oh yes, Oh ...

That was an incredible hug today, as we parted. I shall see you again, new friend, surfing beyond the new moon ... (For the girl with the Calico Feuerzeug!)

-Todd

Posted by calico at 10:01 PM
September 23, 2003
Arnold Isn't Sexy

Driving in a car with a Sex-cat and a Hepcat, somewhere in Hollywood, near the (evil) Scientology building on Sunset. We'd been in a bar, the three of us, where the Monday Night Football sounds were sooooo loud, that we couldn't even talk to one of the Partridge family (sorry, europeans ... american TV) who was standing next to us. The bouncers were padding down any locals who wore a Raiders t-shirt, who might be carrying a piece. Peace. Then driving, and we talked about who we would vote for. It seems the esteemed position of California Governor is in chaos. Moo. We all seemed to think that Hustler Magazine icon Larry Flynt would be a fine choice ...

-Todd

Posted by calico at 12:34 PM
September 19, 2003
Beaches

Yeah, this weekend I'll be seen on Venice Beach with two scorchin' babes from London ... Gonna be HOT, dawg! I know that this episode will change nothing (in world events) but we will be able to reach another level, Zen if you will, and perhaps even have some fun in the process. Yep. Some kinda international relations stunt, I guess. Everyone I've mentioned this to thinks it's fab ... except for one, who called me, "The Devil." Hmmm.

-Todd

(Larry Flynt for Governor!)

Posted by calico at 08:50 PM
September 13, 2003
Johnny Cash Lives!

Holy shit - Johnny Cash died yesterday ...

That guy was so rock 'n' roll! Tha Man In Black! Man, he will be missed ... His music was REAL. He was REAL. The world is messed up, he was messed up, he was old, and who fuckin' gives a shit!? His music was and is the point! I decided to hit the whiskey last night, in honor of the man called Cash. Pouring 'til it came outta my pores. He woulda been proud. He was a rocker, a roller, a rebel! Johnny was flippin' people the bird long before Kurt Cobain, and kepp' on doin' it, even into his 70's. What a voice!

So there I was last night, feelin' it, goin' out, thinkin' about the Cash. And I got up and sang. Oh, yesss ... There were these random guys jammin' some sorta dixieland shit, no, wait ... it was blues. Doesn't even matter. Anyway, they had this crazy kick and snare-simple set-up (I'm all about the snare!) and the guitar player had this Clapton-esque thing going on ... and as he did the slide (ahem) I gets up there, grabs tha snare mike, and starts a-singin'! Led Zep, no less!

"This one's for Johnny fucking Cash!" says I. The crowd done dug it.

Never done a Zep tune with a dixieland band. Doesn't matter. On tha snare mike, nontheless! Then I started riffin' out, takin' lyrical twists and turns. Took it in a whole new direction. Been dazed and confused meets I walk the line ... The guitar guy told the crowd later, "The cool thing about that Todd guy is how he put a twist on the words!" I was in a space where I had to just get up and express myself. Let loose for Johnny. And I did. And they got it. And we're alive! That's right, if you're reading this right now, then you're experiencing the miracle of life! Don't fucking forget it, 'cuz it could all end tomorrow, so let's live it up and think and dream and get onnitt and break on through, y'know!?

That bar was all about CASH! And then they put on a LIVE G'n' R CD (Oh, gawd!) and it seemed like I was in some parallel universe, or something ... And the white russians were flowing, and somebody yelled out for more, and then we just continued on over to the after-hours pizza joint. No, wait! Before that, I watched this guy at the bar try to gettit on with this smokin' babe, chattin' and workin' it, and I said to the guy next to me, "Hey, we gotta help that guy get it on!" And he goes, "Yeahhh. OK, watch this!" Then he proceeds to go over and say to him, in earshot of his prospective babe, "Man - thanks for EVERYTHING you did for those kids in Nicaragua! You really did some good things down there, for them. You're the man!" Oh, man ... absolutely hilarious! So dig it, then the girl gets it in her head that she's sitting there with THE MAN! And wouldn't ya know it, 8 minutes later, we look over at them, and they're engaged in a big ol' SMOOCH! And we high fived, and decided that we'd been in there a LITTLE bit, yeah, we'd helped him secure the deal! Rock 'n' roll !!!!!!!!!!!!

So then, we're off to the NY pizza joint, and it's like 2 in the morn. And some guy is offering us cocaine and pills and all kinds of fun party stuff. And someone goes, "What? Coke ... pills?!" And the pimp mumbled something back, and I answer:

"No! He said ... THE POPE KILLS!"

Har, har! Awesome! Uproarious laughter all around. And I'm sure that somewhere up there, or down there, Johnny was laughing, too.

-Todd

P.S. I killed John Ritter ...

Posted by calico at 05:27 PM
September 06, 2003
For the Mad Irish Poets

In a pub, somewhere in California, but it coulda been Dublin ... These guys are good! So this is for the Irish nut who told me this quote of quotes, straight off the top of his head, with a whiskey sourrr in his hand, that only cost a dollarrr:
And I quote:

"Aliens came down ... they abducted your mother, shagged her, (!) and turned her into a LESBIAN!"

That one came straight from outer space. Carry on, brilliant, mad poet friend from somewhere. This was the hillarious quote of the month, in my book ... Shine on, you crazy diamond!!!!!!!!!

Posted by calico at 01:15 PM
Me 'n' Mr. Reed

Oh, man ... one of my main saxophone homies, Karl Reed got married. I was there. I can describe the events of the day in one word:

BEAUTIFUL!

You guys, all of you out there, who may or may not have met Mr. Reed, I gotta say ... it was one of the most beautiful ceremonies I've ever seen in my life. It was truly, outrageously beautiful. He married a girl from India, so everyone (except, er, me!) was wearing traditional eastern garb, very colorful, making the atmosphere a real event! A real party! Karl was dressed like king, you guys! It was amazing. I was so proud of him! He came riding in on a big white horse!

He rode in a horse! A STALLION!

Can you imagine?? Man, it was so beautiful, this day. I was the one who helped him on and off the horse. Which is, actually, now that I think about it, quite an honour. Man, I was so glad to be standing there next to him, with his beautiful new bride at his side, and all the relatives dancing around ... Did I mention that he was on a big white horse!? That was soooo cool, baby.

They also had a huge spread of Indian cuisine, which was really superb. Delicious! Later there was much dancing and carousing - everyone was in fine spirit. They had a Hindu wedding, and it was truly special. Very deep. Man, I tell ya, my bud had on this outrageously divine outfit. He looked like a king! Like a kind sultan! Like a perveyor or provocateur from Delhi, looking for a hip vegan deli, shouting words of love to his friends and devotees. It was magical!

The DJ was playing this amazing, eastern-flavoured dance stuff. The day was picture perfect, the food and convsation wuzall a gas, and to top it all off, there were endless bottles of Santa Barbara's finest wine! Quite extravagant, really. Of course, I didn't tell them that I'd hitch-hiked there from the next town over (Amtrak couldn't take me that far). But that's on a strictly, "need to know" basis, y'know? The guy that took me there was a karate champ, a bad-ass black belt, so I felt like I had my own bodyguard, escort, if you will, when I rolled up in my sweet wheels. On the way, this guy took me to a place called "Ostrich Land" (I swear I'm not makin' this shit up!) where I gazed upon the long-necks of some California bird collector's wildest findings. Anything goes out here, man. Pretty cool, but sometimes just plain nutty. Ostrich farm?!

At some point, I said, "Um, dude ... can you take me to the wedding now?"

What an amazing day. Skies for miles, positive vibes from everyone, my eclectic pal showing that anything's possible, even good things, when you just put your heart out there. Then, after the ceremony (this is the best part, I think), Karl got up in front of everyone, and played a song on the sax, that he'd composed for his love. She was sitting in the front row, nodding and enjoying. Man, he sounded just like Coltrane up there. I almost started to cry. I'm almost crying now, just writing and thinking about it. Which isn't cool, 'cuz I'm sitting here in the Santa Barbara public library at a computer ... C'est la Vie! It's a beautiful day ...

You're a king, my friend! Don't forget it!
Live long, prosper, and sincere CONGRATULATIONS!

-Todd

Posted by calico at 01:07 PM