July 27, 2003
Badlands, USA

Greetings from somewhere in the middle of nowhere ... bad BAAAD Badlands!!! Very beautiful country, though. The Badlands are one of the most extraordinary places on the planet. The mystic Nature astounds. Went hiking in the hills - watched a mountain goat chew on some grass, and he watched me. He blended right into the mountain earth. You could barely see him at all, except for his little white tail. He be the hottest damn 'nimal on the mountain ...

It's 107 degrees today in the Badlands ...

This is all incredibly beautiful. A part of America that boggles the imagination, and one that everyone should see. There are also, however, some mad forest fires outta control in the region. Montana, Colorado, and parts of Wyoming are being ravaged by fire, as we speak. So watch out! Choose your Indian guides wisely. Code word for the day: HOT!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by calico at 01:22 PM
July 22, 2003
Black Hills Or Bust

Hey everyone. Great times in the last month. Thank you, Berlin. Thanks Haag, thanks London, thanks Hamburg, thanks Luebeck, thanks Brno, thanks Chicago, thanks Vevey, thanks Malacky. And everyone else ... you know who you are.

By the time you read this, I'll be in Indian country, on my way to the Black Hills. Greetings from somewhere near Winner, South Dakota. Peace.

-Todd

Posted by calico at 02:24 PM
Burma Burgers

In Zurich, this guy told us an amazing story. One of the funniest I've heard in a long time. Very bizarre, but true ... it oughtta put you in a good moo.

"Well there I was (add thick british accent here), just dreyvin' along, mindin' me owen business, seeh, and I was at some border, somewheh down in south-east Asia. I think it was Burma ... anyway, these guys ask me if I wanna spend 10 bucks to shoot their pistol, right?" (We all nod.) "But I say naw, you knoww, I've already done that! So they chatter together for a bit, and come back with a new offer: How would I like to shoot a russian made Kalashnikoff?! How much, I ask. Now, this is a dangerous question, mind you, because it lets them know that you have a bit o' money, seeh? Twenty-five bucks, they say. I ponder this for a wee minute, then say no ... So I shoot some russian machine gun up in the air, so what, you know?!" (Here comes the best part.)

"So they come back and ask me if I'm a 'Thrill Seekah?' Whoa! I suppose I am, I say. So they kinda grin, and say they've got uh special deal for me. Oh, Christ, I think to meself, 'cuz special deals can be really good or really bad, ye know? But being an open minded chap, I asks 'em what they've got for me."

"You get too shooot (add zany asian accent here, befuddled by heavy british accent) ... you shoot a COW! With a BAZOOKA!!! Only 100 bucks!" What??

So our english friend says he was in shock, dumbfounded in fact - keep in mind that at this point, me and Nakedman are rolling on the floor with laughter - when they asked him if he wanted to shoot a cow with a bazooka! What a special deal! What a bargain! Burgers for days! Ewwergghh. He said he even contemplated doing it. I mean, how often does one get the chance to shoot a bazooka? At a cow, no less! As he was pondering this, the border guys hit him with their best offer ... now this is an absolute scream:

"Don't worry - WE TIE COW DOWN !!!!!!!!!!"

Posted by calico at 02:18 PM
July 20, 2003
The Significance Of The Pickle

For the 2 girls from Cork, Ireland:

Yes: I'll come play in your town ...
Yes: I enjoyed listening to obscure music all day ... (like The Avalanches)
Yes: it's true that Flight 22 is off to Honolulu ...
Yes: I've been to a Wal Mart before, but I've stopped my wicked ways ...
No, I don't mind that one of you is a cop. (Lock me up!)

Thanks for your instant hospitality! Welcome to the Calico family. Ahhh, my luck, my luck. How sweet life is, dear readers, when you follow the rigid spontaneous highway. Music lovers around the World, unite! Remember how we sat on the deck, and drank coffee and played guitar in the sunshine? Divine! Mmmm, great cake! Noodle salad suprise and hot music in the background!? What a wonderful afternoon we created! And your sweet room-mate, (on exstacy) cute as a button, asking me all those questions about groupies. Tee-hee! I love this job ... And then you told me all 'bout the would-be junkie Thief, trying to break in through your window at midnight. Aren't you glad that I fixed your window? Yes, it was me. I don't wanna brag, I don't need rewards, I just do the occasional good deed for damsels in distress ... especially if they play me obscure songs from the 60's like Arlo Guthrie, live. You know the one, (dear readers) something about cruising down the highway and your pickle gets wrapped around a treepole, no wait ... A guitar string pops off, leaving you no choice but to spring from your Supersonic Moped to the ground below, no wait - over the cliff - yes, that's it! (Where the cops sit, waiting, in the blue-stream boogaloo, as if they'd known the whole time that you'd come sailing by.) Or was it that a tire blew out, and robo-cyber fuzz stopped munching the transluscent Virtual Pickle they were eating, to get a glimpse of you jamming the blues on the side of Mount Everest. Um, er .. it was something like that ... but I believe in the significance of the pickle!

And now, as promised - 13 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Go To Wal Mart:

1. Wal Mart comes to town, and puts all the little guys outta business.
2. Wal Mart backwards spells, "Tram Law." Can't be good.
3. Wal Mart hires pre-teen children from Siam, and 89 year old seniles.
4. It's just not punk.
5. You're two beautiful for Wal Mart.
6. Rain Man said that "Wal Mart sucks."
7. Something perverse about a place where you can get car batteries and
slippers and undies and ice cream and socks and nose-hair pickers.
8. Todd says, "Wal Mart sucks."
9. The more worthless crap you buy, the more you turn into worthless crap.
10. Beauty pales, is not very becoming in the Wal Mart (neon) light.
11. No Marilyn Manson, Queen Latifa, or Monkey Business CD's.
12. Wal Mart doesn't sell Becherovka, Guinness, or even Newcastle!
13. Wal Mart doesn't have everything you need.

(Special Mention) Wal Mart isn't sexy.

There ya have it - need I say more? Shop around!
Arlo Guthrie and Al Sharpton in 2004!
-Todd

Posted by calico at 11:05 AM
July 16, 2003
We Are The Champions

High Noon. Somewhere On Tour ...

An american or two, a canadian, a slovakian, a czech, and a german guy ... in a restaurant, with a bottle of home-made schnapps, fire-water, in fact ... singing, "We Are The Champions!" in unison, swaying with their arms around each other, like brothers ...

Singing. Verrry LOUDLY.

Posted by calico at 12:08 PM
July 12, 2003
Me 'n' Jaw And A Currywurst

Berlin, 8 a.m. The gig was fantastic ... so fantastic, in fact, that my friend Jaw and I stayed in the bar all night. OK, we went to a few different bars. But we're entitled! Yeah, the bar was still goin', the DJ still playing, when we walked out the door at 8 a.m. I love Berlin - it goes all night! Not bad for a Wednesday ...

We walk outta the bar. It's daylight, oh great. So then we go to a famous currywurst stand and grab a bite. Everyone's ordering coffee. Seems strange to us, but then again, we're wasted and it's 8 o'clock in the morning! We order two nasty-good currywursts, the kind that vegetarians have nightmares about. I realize that I've got a gin and tonic in one hand, and a currywurst in the other. At that moment, I remebered the guy behind the bar asking me if I wanted "one for the road!" Jaw said that I must be a writer, 'cuz I "took him LITERALLY ..." (I took the drink and glass with me.) Heh, heh, I said.

Then we were walking down the street (I'm wearing sunglasses) and now it's about 8:15 and the nice people are off to work. I spy a guy in a suit and tie, waiting for the tram, and he looks all nice and proper, and we exchange glances. We both smile, at the others' comic aspect. In fact, we both secretly wish to be each other just for one day ... but then we quickly come back to our senses.

Posted by calico at 11:16 AM
July 06, 2003
Dear Nakedman

Nakedman, Nakedman - where art thou? I saw you kissing that girl on the dance floor, whilst wearing my Rostock t-shirt, and then you disappeared. Oh, Nakedman, we miss you! Are you doing the Stone-Bone somewhere?? I remember when we were in the taxi in Ostrava, and you told me the story about the man with a radio in his penis ... Was my reaction too strong?? Um, should I have tried a little harder to understand - Was it something I said??

Oh, Nakedman, Nakedman ... where have you gone??

You rascal, you, Nakedman! You surly devil! You scored, didn't you, Nakedman!? Kiss the girl one more time, put your clothes back on, and come home!
We miss you! Trixie and Johnson McLoud

Posted by calico at 12:29 PM